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Story Roughs

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1 Story Roughs on Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:28 pm


A sample chapter of my story Valentine talking about the female hitman Elle Greene
still needs a little cleaning up since I typed this in 10 minutes lol

The lone hitman waited in her car concealed in the pure darkness of the alley smoking her pale horse cigarittes as usual. In front of her visage across the ragged streets she saw her contract. A hoodlum wearing a puffed green coat wearing a red cap. He was one of the members of the local gang known as the Pretty Boyz. A bunch of clowns she thought blowing smoke from her cigaritte fogging the interior of the dimly let car. She dug into her left pocket grabbing her treasured pocket watch seeing how much time she have to collect her bones.
She had plenty of time to wait til he made the deal with the dream seller. 30 minutes has passed and her other contract made it on time as she was told to meet up with the hoodlum She started to loud 6 bullets into her pistol getting ready to do her job as quickly as possible. Using her trademark bullets to make sure no traces will be left behind.
The car door opened not making a sound and she stepped out of the car in a calm manner
The darkness from the night sky and poor street lights would prove to be an advantage for the trained killer she slowly walked across the street like a ghost heading to the area where the transaction was taking place
" Yo I got $400 right now to pay off the other shipment of DREAM." the hoodlum have replies to the dealer acting like a stereotypical gang banger
"The price is $1000 now this is that hi grade stuff fresh out of Rona." the dealer said
"You said bring $400 right there and then you never said anything about it being high quality. How about this I'll pay for half and the other half on the next day?"
The dealer grinned if it was someone else then his friend he would have told him off but knowing him he was always truthful to him
"Alright but I want my money tom-"
In a second the area where his friend face once was there was nothing but splattered gray matter, blood and skull smear all over his face
The dealers expression changed from joy to horror as he saw the gorey mess that covered his body
He tried to grab his gun from the back of his pocket out of instinct.
The Killer fired another round at the dealer. Two in the chest and just like his friend one in the skull
the cold sidewalk from the frigid aire soon before a steaming red mess from the slain bodies
seeing that her contract was finished
she pulled out another cigerittie out of her Pale Horse pack and lit the front end of it walking back to her car to tell her client the job was done

2 Re: Story Roughs on Sun Feb 23, 2014 11:26 pm



You really need to work on using proper punctuation, typos, and capitalization. You've got some short and some run-on sentences, and you use considerably fewer commas than is typical of writing. The story itself wasn't bad you give good personification to the environment, a lot of your short roughs get slightly tainted with the mistakes though.


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